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INSTALLATIONS
 12/26/1997
01/23/1998 05/13/1998
12/03/1998
02/17/2000
12/26/97-------Well,
this is the FIRST in MANY an installment dealing with STRANGE and
UNFATHOMABLE stories that have, and inevitably WILL happen on the road,
and in the LIVES of the REVERENDS of SLACK....
Many non-believers will
peel away from the woodwork to thwart our mission objective....only to
be reduced to tiny, smoldering piles of ASH and BONE FRAGMENTS upon
receiving the full force of our combined WRATH...case and
point...REVEREND MARTIN's downstairs neighbor......whom we will call
"LUMMOX" for reasons of anonimity....
It was an average loading
procedure....the reverends met at Rev. Martins' humble abode to imbide
many beers and load the precious SLACK FIELD GENERATORS into the rented
vehicle for transport and subsequent utilization....Myself (this is Rev.
Carmen), the Rev. Martins, his LOVELY and CHARISMATIC wife, Barb...and
the killer slackified attack dog BASIL were beginning an early load of
beforementioned vehicle. Everything was quiet...routine. SUDDENLY, out
of the blue.....BOB DOBBS decided to mind meld with me as i was wiping
BIRDSHIT off of a guitar case....he told me "THERE WILL BE AN
ALTERCATION WITH REV. MARTINS' DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR.....AVOID CONTACT AT
ALL COSTS....HE IS A PINKBOY INFILTRATOR..SETTING HIS GOAL ON SHAKING
YOUR FAITH!!" I relayed the information to both Rev. Martins and
his wife...Barb. It was duly noted....though i sensed a certain level of
"SKEPTICISM" emanating from the lovely BARB in relation to my
PROPHET SHARING abilities......i informed her that these events would
come to pass......she rolled her eyes and packed the smoke machine.....
I stood at the top of the
stairs.....hand extended in a bored, propping fashion against the
stariwell wall, when the BEAST emerged from it's hibernation......LUMMOX
stood before me......eyes GLAZED over with unemployment and MILWAUKEE'S
BEST...his unkempt mustache bristled with RAGE..."HEY, YOO...MUTHAFUCKA!!
WHA' da FUCK is GOWIN ONN HERE! STOMPING ON MA FUCKIN HEAD, FAGGOT? YOU
GOTTA FUCKING ATTITUDE? HUH?" I stood fast and replied...."We
are on our way to enlighten the masses about the ultimate destruction
and sale of the collective human species as narcotic anima to the
OVERLORDS of FILTH, the YACATISMA!" repent, quit drinking, get a
fucking job, and get back inside your apartment, NOW...before things get
ugly" This advice was not heeded...the CREATURE ROARED...."DID
YOU JUST CALL ME QUEER? OR WEIRD?" and in the same breath, stumbled
backwards, striking it's head on the doorknob as Rev. Martins entered
into the picture.....
"Look, LUMMOX...we
don't need this SHIT right now....we have to LIVE here....just go back
inside your apartment" Rev. Martins replied....his eyes LOCKED with
the dreaded LUMMOX in a kill or be killed primal death glance.....their
eyes....simmering with rage.....their deadly intent only INTENSIFIED by
the SEPULTURA soundtrack assaulting the scene from Rev. Martin's SONIC
AMPLIFICATION machine inside his apartment.....
I covered my
eyes.....dreading the next few seconds.....searching through my knapsack
for the STARK FIST OF REMOVABLE STUN GUN...when i saw it.......a
thin....almost unDETECTABLE beam of red light SHOT from the Rev. Martins
eyes......digging DEEP into the primitive reptillian brain of THE
LUMMOX....rendering him incapable of retaliation.......I was struck
SPEECHLESS.....for these abilities should not have evolved in the Rev.
Martins for at LEAST a few more months....at LEAST until the cybernetic
psionic IMPLANT has had a chance to merge with his CEREBRAL CORTEX....i
mean FUCK!! i did the operation MYSELF....and i have NEVER seen such an
accelerated INCUBATION period.......anyhow...back to the action....
The LUMMOX.....now
completely incapacitated.....mumbled "NEXT TIME, LET ME KNOW ABOUT
THIS FUCKING SHIT...O.K.? DAMN LARRY!" I decided to test the level
of MINDLOCK Rev. Martins' had mastered...i replied "Letting you
know when we play a show isn't my fucking RESPONSIBILITY, MUTHERFUCKER!
HOW ABOUT THE FIGHTS YOU HAVE WITH YOUR CRACK-HO, SLUT WIFE EVERY
FUCKING NIGHT UNTIL 5 A.M. THAT I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT FROM LARRY EVERY
TUESDAY AT REHEARSAL? I DON'T SEE YOU CLEARING YOUR DYSFUNCTION THROUGH
LARRY! DOES THE STATEMENT ....."I LOVE MY CATBOX MORE THAT I LOVE
YOU" RING A BELL, LOSER? NOW, GET IN YOUR FUCKING APARTMENT!"
The LUMMOX, now
completely stripped of ALL DIGNITY, his mind wiped CLEAN of the tiniest
SHRED of masculinity......shot like a human CANNONBALL back into his
cave.....leaving behind the SHRIEKING, castrating LAUGHTER of the United
Front of SLACK....all 5 REVERENDS now exiting ATTACK MODE, standing down
from RED ALERT....and piling into the VEHICLE of SALVATION to save more
BLIND SOULS from the BIG LIE......
The return trip back to
Rev. Martins' abode was uneventful. Mission complete.
1/23/98-------Yet
another feeble attempt to DESTROY the black hole momentum of SLACK has
been exposed and non-chalantly disposed of......
The Rev. Martins stopped
at a carbohydrate refuelling facillity this weekend called BAGEL ONE;
(located in the LOVELY Spotswood ShopRite Shopping Center) in order to
replenish his SLACKVESSEL with soul-saving YETIFUEL. Cloaked in his
flawless ROCK STAR disguise...the Reverend attempted to purchase an EGG
AND CHEESE bagel sandwich, and a cup of java. LITTLE DID WE KNOW THAT
THIS ESTABLISHMENT HAD BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE MOST VILE, SLACKLESS
PINKBOY VIPERMAN THAT WE HAVE ENCOUNTERED SO FAR! Somehow...the amiable,
smiling Bagel Man that Rev. Martins was so used to patronizing was
replaced, or....rather.......INFECTED by the insalubrious,
death-harboring, fecal tentacles of THE ANTI-BOB....that YACATISMA
ASS-SUCKING CUM-GULPER that has been nipping at our heels from the
inception of our holy mission. Rev. Martin's SLACKSENSES could detect
the slackless black void behind the eyes of MR. BAGELBASTARD, as we
shall affectionately call him..but it was too late; for poor Rev.
Martins had already handed the pink little CHOAD his TEN DOLLAR BILL!
BAGELBASTARD looked at the bill and replied "NOPE, sorry,
this is counterfeit, man.....NO BAGEL FOR YOU" Reverend Martins,
reeling from the ingenious attack, replied "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? I JUST GOT THAT BILL FROM THE BANK! SURELY YOUR PINKBOY
ARMY OF ILLUSION-MAKERS WOULDN'T HAND OUT FALSE DOLLARS TO
WORSHIP!" ISN'T THAT CAPITALIST BLASPHEMY??" Rev. Martins
INSTANTLY understood the twisted plot of this ANTIBOBBY.....He keeps the
Reverend's money......Reverend cannot purchase carbohydrate
surplus.....Rev. runs on empty.....Rev.'s immune system dips below
acceptable parameters.....
Reverend's vessel becomes
a stomping ground for various strains of synthetic slackdevouring
viruses that have been introduced into the local ecosystem......Rev.
brings the infection back to the nest...where it infects the remaining
reverends......Reverends cannot perform their ENERGY DEMANDING
BRAINWATCHING AND FALSE PROPHET DEFLOWERING RITUALS..... The world then
falls into a SLACKLESS state of dollar worship....all souls now RIPE for
the picking by the HUMONCULII of the YACATISMA, soul-addicted space SCUM
too cowardly to do their OWN dirtywork.....those BASTARDS!
Rev. Martins', thorougly
trained in ALL aspects of urban PINKBOY pacification, screamed
"SINCE WHEN ARE YOU AN EXPERT ON CONTERFEIT BILLS, MUTHERFUCKER?
GIMME BACK THAT MONEY, NOW, OR YOU'LL WISH YOU NEVER LAID EYES ON ME,
LITTLE PINK! EVEN MORESO THAT YOU DO NOW!"
The anti-bobby stood his
ground...stuffing the bill in his front pocket..and began to whistle a
few bars of the SPICE GIRLS' "When 2 Become One"
(footnote....SPICE GIRLS
are actually 5 deadly assassins intent on the death and dismemberment of
SLACK)
Rev. Martins
PANICKED....smashing his STARK FIST into the cash
register....."I'll be BACK, you BAGELBASTARD!!" he yelled....BAGELBASTARD
simply leered, and continued whistling LOUDER....the pitch getting
ULTRASONIC.......filling Rev. Martins head with the sound of
DEATH.....maddening him..making him DIZZY......he spun
around.....grabbing the doorhandle to exit this DEN of INIQUITY, the
handle tearing off in his superhuman subgenius grip......and stumbled
into the street...blood trailing from his ears from the mini-anneurisms
the PINKSONICS of the SPICE GIRLS had caused.....now...to
think......regroup...what could he do? EUREKA!! the idea sprang on him
like Bill Clinton to an intern.......USE THEIR OWN INERTIA AGAINST THEM!
He KNEW all of those bad karate movies would come in handy......Reverend
Martins drove like a wild thing...like a little tiny human-tasmanian-devil-heavy
metal Woody Allen on ACID kinda thingy....and marched DIRECTLY
into...yes...INTO.............
THE POLICE STATION!
yes..fellow subgenii....he
marched directly into the dragon's LAIR....he grabbed the desk sargeant
by the donut stained collar, and DEMANDED..."COME on PORKY, we got
a BAGEL to FRY...." The officer REACHED for his gun.....Rev.
Martins, with the speed of a hummingbird...WHIPPED OUT his sacred
KEYCHAIN OF SUGGESTION...and began twirling it. The cops sat,
transfixed...like a possum in headlights. Or a bloated tick on a dead
dog. Soon ALL the police were standing...zombified......awaiting their
commands.
Using his "yeti-mindtricks"
Rev Martins replied "I am Right"..... "you are
right" they replied.
"This injustice must
be avenged!"...."this injustice must be avenged." they
replied
"I am a big, fat,
useless highschool drop out, with impotency and the maturity of a 12
year old"....
"I am a big, fat,
useless highschool drop out, with impotency and the maturity of a 12
year old"....they replied.
yes...he was satisfied...now..back
to BAGELONE.....
The Rev. stormed into
BAGELONE...weilding a sick smile. "WELL BAGELBASTARD!" hand
over the bill!"
"NEVER!"
screamed BAGELBASTARD..."officer, this man BROKE MY REGISTER, AND
MY DOOR! ARREST HIM!"
Rev. Martins whispered to
the officer...the officer replied "Give him his money, NOW!"
The officer drew his pistol, unzipped BAGELBASTARD'S pants, and put the
barrel of the gun against his pee-pee.
"You can hand over
the BILL, or hand over your BALLS, ....it's up to you!" Rev.
Martins triumphantly replied...
BAGELBASTARD, not
believing what he saw said,
"OFFICER, he BROKE
UP MY ESTABLISHMENT, what are you going to DO about it?" Rev.
Martins tapped the brim of his hat...the zombie cop cocked the pistol
and said,
"HEY, shit
happens."
BAGELBASTARD,
defeated..handed over the bill.."It's not over YET, REVEREND, when
the SPICE GIRLS catch up to you on tour, it's all OVER for SLACK!!"
He clapped his hands, and with a demonic laugh....disappeared into a
cloud of black smoke.....
Rev. Martins got back
into the SLACKMOBILE tm ...driving off into the rising sun.....leaving
the police to wonder how they all wound up in a bagel shop.....a very
unlikely place for a police officer to be... (not!)
Mission accomplished...or
was it? He sat at the red light.....desperation engulfing
him...paralyzing him as the light turned green....motorists honking and
flipping him the finger as they passed his unmoving car.....After all
that had transpired, he had FORGOTTEN his purpose...his prime
directive...the purchase and consumption of his BAGEL......his sole
source of CARBOHYDRATES!!..........
Until NEXT TIME....bagel
BASTARD!
5/13/98-------------
Has been----several months---since---I---have entered----more quatraines---pertaining
to----the mission (cheesy attempt at Capt Kirk-talk, sorry). Many, many
things have happened since the last gospel has been cast in cyberstone,
but one lives in infamy......i will try to paraphraase.....
Back in February...the
Reverend Swan was almost taken from us by an agent of the ANTIBOB as his
disguise was COMPROMISED at a YACATISMA gathering.....Let me
elaborate....It is common KNOWLEDGE that YWINGVIE MALMSTEEN has
unfortunately been converted into a vessel for the bidding of our 4th
dimension dwelling FOES...... (yes, the YACATISMA, pay attention!)
As he plays his overly composed manglehanded riffs......ANTIBOB
and MINDFREEZING messages are hidden between each WA-WA-WA and every
HUNKA-HUNKA-WANG that are emitted from his AXE OF UNCONDITIONAL
SUBMISSION.....then, when the unsuspecting BOBBIE is stunned and
HELPLESS....he FLIPS his HYPNOHAIR with his trademark head
snap...rendering the victim disoriented and confused. Couple this with
the ROCKGOD KISSY-GUITAR-ORGASM FACE and the undefendable SPINNY-AROUND-THE-NECK-GUITAR-THINGY
MOVE, and the poor little BOBBIE is COMPLETELY wiped CLEAN of all the
synaptic sculpting done by SLACK.....like a REFORMATTED HARD
DRIVE....ripe for the corruption which is ANTISLACK.....
The Reverend Swan, upon
seeing this soire' advertised in one underground rock mag or another,
called the answering mechanisms of the other REVERENDS..and found out
swiftly that we had left to SABOTAGE this soul harvesting turkey
shoot.....he immediately called the CLUB....and found out that THE GREAT
PUMPKIN (Ywingvie's code name) was SCHEDULED TO UNLEASH his destruction
AS PLANNED! He quickly deduced that the other Reverends must have fallen
prey to the BURNING HELLATIOUS PSIONIC TITAN THAT IS YWINGVIE! He sped
with GODSPEED, praying to BOB, burning dollar bills in the car's ashtray
as a sacrificial offering, creating a SLACKFILLED VORTEX OF POWER to
disguise his SUBGENIUS AURA from THE GREAT PUMPKIN'S sentinels and
humonculii.......Rev. Swan...upon entering the lair.....was physically
ILL from the spectacle......ALL the Reverends were CLAPPING, SCREAMING,
YELLING....and, yes..it's too horrible to imagine.....AIR GUITARING!!
(I found out later that i, rev. carmen, was actually CRYING and
calling out the Pumpkin's INFERNAL NAME, over and over.....i cannot
FATHOM it.....i am so ashamed.) We were all so LOST in the sheer
BLANKNESS of it all......the raw MEANINGLESSNESS AND SOULLESSNESS being
rammed into our brains....it was overwhelming!, almost ALL of our SLACK
was extracted from our bodies...when Rev. Swan SMAM into action.....With
complete disregard for his own well being....he screamed out .......
"YOU FUCKING SUCK,
MAN!, IT'S 1998! JOIN US!"
The GREAT PUMPKIN, upon
hearing this outburst, lost his concentration, thus stumbling blindly
towards the end of the stage......Rev. Swan thought FAST, dug DEEP into
his pockets...and LOBBED a TWINKIE tm. at the UNDULATING SWEATING ICON
OF HATE.......Great Pumpkin stepped on the spongy, cream-filled yet
non-biodegradable food item.....and SLIPPED off the stage.....thus
breaking the spell, but also compromising Rev. Swan's IDENTITY.
PUMPKINHEAD'S elite shock troops....(which we shall call BOUNCERS
for lack of a better term), converged IMMEDIATELY on REV SWAN....his
SLACK FIELD AURA marking him like a KU-KLUX-KLAN member at a PUBLIC
ENEMY gig.....
Rev. Swan dove for the
back door...but to no avail.....one of the BOUNCERS had him in the
YACATISMA GRIP of ETERNAL dickitude....cutting off his SLACK SUPPLY.....i
watched in horror as Rev. Swan struggled against this pea-brained
SMASH-MACHINE...he was fading fast.....something had to be done......
In a blur that could only
be described as superhuman.....i picked up a bottle of PUMPKINHEAD'S
sacred hairspray...and HURLED it at the mirror that was propped up next
to him on stage.....it shattered into thousands of tiny
fragments....IMMEDIATELY, the BOUNCERS disappeared like the last puff of
pina colada scented FOG from the smoke machine....POOF! gone.....the
mirror smashed, the crowd began to come out of their STANDING
COMAS......and, being that the mirror was the CRUX of his power....THE
GREAT PUMPKIN returned to normal......no longer a vessel for evil.....he
shrugged and began to play his guitar. Although no longer a threat to
society, his face remained in the twisted, diabolical mask which is the
KISSY-GUITAR-ORGASM-FACE ........an unfortunate side effect of his
possession.
Until next time,
kiddies...same SLACK time...same SLACK channel...PRAISE BOB, ALREADY!
Jeez!
12/3/98---------
And here i sit again.....disoriented.......detached....and REELING
from the past SEVEN MONTHS that have transpired since the last holy
transcript has lashed it's way thru my body and into this
keyboard.....so much has happened.....so much SLACK has been spewed by
the reverends and has been absorbed by the deserving percentile of the
populous, that it is almost too magnanamous of a task to even ATTEMPT to
DICTATE it at all.......THE PURE POWER AND AWE INSPIRING ENERGY that has
been released and harnessed cannot even correctly be REPORTED......the
puny, pathetic HEIROGLYPHS that are used to make up ALL THE THOUSANDS OF
LANGUAGES that exist on this HIDEOUS HUSK we call the EARTH could never
even scratch the SURFACE in trying to relay the events that have taken
place.......I mean....REALLY now....
However....due to my
solemn oath....my quest to bring about the FINAL AWAKENING thru mass
consensus GENO-TRANSFUSION of SLACK.....i am bound to the task of
relaying this information to the best of my BOB-GIVEN ABILITY......here
goes....
I crack my tattered,
tooth scraped knuckles and begin. So much has happened, that to wade
thru all of the events over the past 7 months would actually cause my
HEAD TO EXPLODE, sputtering my brains against my waterdamaged
drop-ceiling.....and i don't want that......to get to the REALLY GOOD
MEMORIES....i was forced just now to ingest the HALLUCINATORY FECAL
DROPPINGS OF THE ALMOST EXTINCT PRAIRIE SQUID......in order to reach the
most sacred memories.....and one trip comes right to center stage......
SLACK'S MIDWESTERN
FESTERING JAMBOREEEEEEEEEE!!
THAT'S RIGHT SLACKOPHYTES,
the Reverends of SLACK took a mind expanding journey to the seventh ring
of OHIO.......playing many different venues.....yet having the entire
experience all wind down to the INEVITABLE FINAL DEATH MATCH
CONFRONTATION WITH THE DREADED SPICE GIRLS!!!
Our story begins as the
SLACKMOBILE (tm) touched down for a landing in the city of COLUMBUS,
OHIO......thru the SPACEPORTAL...nothing could be seen for MILES but the
barren, bleak wasteland of the planet's surface.......strange.....out of
date automobiles with FINS on the back and PUFFY, FUZZY DICE hanging
from the rear view were darting to and
fro.....toothless.......brain-dead bags of blood and puss shuffled
harmlessly by on the street....unaware of the TRANSFORMATION their puny
EARTH-HOVEL was about to receive.......everything looked
routine......the TARGET for the evening was a LOVELY little shithole
that I think was called.......ummmm......ZEKE and ED'S SLOP TROUGH...or
some such nonsense.....the crowd was ugly, menacing.....ALL the MEN were
FONZIE clones...and all of the WOMEN looked like they had been floating
face down in a RIVER for a few weeks.......the PERFECT subjects......I
closed my eyes in order to reach out telepathically to prepare their
minds for REBOOT.....when my TEMPLES felt like someone had put my head
inside a CAR CRUSHER.......standing before me...was a man that looked
like a CAT had SHIT HIM out of it's ASS....his one TOOTH, glistening in
the neon light......his veiny arms waving around like rotting broccoli
in the stinking OHIO NIGHT!!!! He was ugly...yes. He
was STUPID, yes....but the negative ANTIBOB YACATISMA DEATHFORCE was so
strong in him...that I KNEW that he had been taken over by an agent of
ANTISLACK......I played it cool......constraining my urge to run in
terror.....veins beginning to raise on my scalp beneath my hair.....very
painful.....he began to speak. Looking at some point BEHIND me on the
wall....standing up with his hairy BELLY in my face.......he uttered:
"JESUS, FUCK,
KID...NO WHAT? I WENT TO THE SWAP MEET TODAY, I DID...UHUH...AND NO
WHAT? I BOUGHT ME 2 BRAND SPANKY NEW, NEVER BEFORE PLAYED, AUTOGRAPHED
COPIES OF ELVIS PRESLEYS FIRST ALBUM FOR .25 CENTS APIECE....I AIN'T
SHITTING YA BOY!!! AND I AIN'T TRYING TO FUCK A MOSQUITO IN IT'S
ASS NEITHER.....I'LL TELL YOU, THAT OLD WHORE DON'T KNOW WHAT A GOLDMINE
SHE'S SITTING ON.....I TOLD HER THEM PLATTERS WAS WORTH AN ASSLOAD OF
CASHOLA...BUT NO! SHE FLICKED A BOGGER-SNOT AT ME AND TOLD ME TO HOLD MY
PICKLE.....BELIEVE THAT? HOLD MY GOD-FUCKING PICKLE!!!!! SO, I
BOUGHT ME THEM RECORDS FOR .50 CENTS APIECE....THEY GOTTA BE WORTH AT
LEAST 5,000.00 EACH, IF I AIN'T STANDING HERE BEFORE YOU TONITE......AS
SURE AS FUCK, BUDDY......I'LL LET YOU HAVE THEM FOR......LET'S
SAY.......$20.00."
He then whipped out the
cracked, puke stained records and chucked one at me....it looked like
someone had taken actual BITES out of the vinyl.....he began to tell the
story again........i stared at the signature on the label.....it
said.......ELVES PREZLUY, in crayon.......the letters began to
dance.....then taunt......I felt like I was going to faint........my
vision went all white and tingly............he had me.......I now
realized that in between the syllables of his speech...were imbedded
subliminal ANTIBOB MESSAGES that were designed to put me into a
BUMBLEFUCK STUPIDITY OVERDOSE COMA.......I fought the waves of nausea
and screamed
"BUDDY, GET THE FUCK
AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I KNOCK YOUR DICK IN THE DIRT".....(textbook
antidote spell)
The buffoon stumbled
away......hit his head on a coatrack......and fell back harmlessly
asleep at the bar.......I knew THEN that our position had been
compromised......and relayed this disheartening information to the rest
of the REVERENDS........RED ALERT had now been reached....
We all crept out into the
street, wary......suspicious of everyone......the only safe haven was
the combination HIPPIE / SEXTOY PORNOSHOP across the street......like a
MIRAGE in the desert....it beckoned us to enter it's TANTILIZING ATRIUM
OF PLEASURE......we obliged, and slithered thru the door...the sign on
the door read:
CUM ON IN, WE'RE OPEN
With the words written
between the legs of a voluptuous animated sexkitten
I liked this store.
ONCE inside.....the
reverends enjoyed a few stolen moments of relaxation looking over the
various drug taking paraphrenalia.....sextoys...and LEATHER / RUBBER
MOOD ENHANCING EVENING WEAR that adorned the walls and counters of this
lovely establishment.....(my personal favorites were the SOUTHPARK
bongs, each shaped into your favorite SOUTHPARK character.....as well as
the strap on COCK that you strap onto your CHIN for going that EXTRA
MILE while giving your girlfriend oral sex.....i bought 10)
A shirt caught my
eye.....a shirt that said "I LOVE CHICKENS"..with the word
LOVE replaced by a HEART......i thought it was funny and impulse bought
it.......later I found out why the obviously homosexual kid that rang it
up for me was so FLIRTY and NICE to me......besides from my devilishly
handsome physique.....the shirt REALLY said "I LOVE
COCK"........a picture of a ROOSTER was on the shirt...instead of a
CHICKEN.......now THIS was PROOF POSITIVE that we were being
followed....taunted.......and set up for the FINAL DEATHMATCH
CONFRONTATION WITH THE SPICE GIRLS, somehow an agent of THE LOWLY
YACATISMA had MAGICALLY changed the MEANING of the SHIRT.....from
CHICKEN TO ROOSTER.....INGENIOUS!!!! how they snuck up..took the
shirt...and changed it to a ROOSTER is INCREDIBLE.......i'll never
figure it out....damn.....how did they...ummm......ANYway.....
After cleaning out the
residual YACASHITMA ENERGY, the gig went without a hitch....We had the
good fortune to be graced by the mighty sonic slaughter of LAID TO
REST....fellow subgenii....and VERY BRUTAL DEFENDERS OF SLACK.......many
souls were saved.....we all got drunk......we somehow wound up with a
painting of a FLOWER.....and everyone wound up having a good
time.......(especially the two guys that said they were bringing WOMEN
back to the hotel room with them that wound up being homeless mooches
that wanted to drink our holy hops and barley elixirs, crash in the room
and get GAY with us......need I say more? They were properly
"ASKED" to leave....thru the 3rd story window...quicker than
the stairs, don't you think?)
The next date of the
quest was in CLEVELAND OHIO........we shared the pulpit with none other
than the most SAVAGE UPHOLDERS OF SLACK besides US...CRYPTKICKER....they
kicked over some stunned ANTIBOB INFECTED SOULS for us to nurse back to
life with their BRUTAL SERMONS.......and for a while there...everything
seemed OK......many beers were imbided......many pizzas
eaten........many WOMEN THROWING THEMSELVES ON THE STAGE...one in
PARTICULAR VOMITED EVER SO ELEGANTLY ALL NIGHT......her sputum making
such COLORFUL SPONTANEOUS ARTWORK ON THE BLANK CANVASS THAT IS EVERY
SIDEWALK......she apoligized to me profusely for not realizing who we
WERE earlier.....and after her THIRD EYE was opened...she was eternally
grateful........anytime cutie.....
One patron in particular
showed us what true SLACKVANA was like when it was acheived....we shall
call him the CRYPTKEEPER.....unphased by the fact that walls are
SOLID....he donned a rubber GHOULLIKE HALLOWEEN MASK..and continuously
screamed "CRYPTKICKER"!!!! at the top of his lungs while he
rammed his head into the wall as hard as he could...........showing us
how ENLIGHTENED he was by our music.......he was in SUCH A TRANCE-LIKE
STATE...that physical pain was TRANSCENDED!!! WOW!!!
leaving the club.....as
we said our goodbyes..........a toothless prostitute, OBVIOUSLY
OVERTAKEN by ANTIBOB SUBAUDITORY PROJECTIONS shook her fist at the
Reverend SWAN...calling him a quote: LONG HAIRED, HONKY ,FAGGOT- ASSED
CUMLICKER"...end quote......this was another sign that the road
ahead was paved with DANGER and YACATISMALITY.......(and to think, i
almost thought it was because she was a VD infested, insane junky
whore!! whew...almost had me FOOLED......) Upon return to the
purified, hallowed sanctity of the hotel room......another sign of the
INEVITABLE FINAL DEATHMATCH CONFRONTATION OF DOOM WITH THE SPICE GIRLS
came into being.......The reverend Martins, upon discovery that his
contact lens EYEWASH had disappeared, flew into the most BONE CHILLING
and SOUL SPLITTING DISPLAY of PRIMAL, UNCONTROLLED RAGE that I had ever
seen been RELEASED from a REVEREND at his internal power
level.......FURNITURE FLEW AROUND THE ROOM....his KEYS were SMASHED UPON
THE WALL.......CELL PHONES and ASHTRAYS and PLASTIC CUPS and PILLOWS
were VIOLENTLY THRASHED ABOUT......turning into a TORNADO of material
objects...SWIRLING ABOUT THE ROOM IN A MAD ORGIASTIC ATTACK ON THE
SENSES......we could all do nothing but HUDDLE IN MORTAL FEAR until his
eyes stopped glowing, and this COSMIC RAGE subsided....similar to how a
hurricane eventually stops KILLING......he calmed down...and...after a
SECOND search....HE FOUND THE EYEWASH SOLUTION!!!! My
GOD!!! THOSE EVIL-MENACING-PUTRID-HORRIFIC BASTARD CREATURES
OF HELL that are the YACATISMA!!! They must have TAKEN it...and
then PUT IT BACK...after getting MUCH pleasure out of secretly watching
Rev. Martin's MELTDOWN......damn....(and to THINK....i almost believed
that he simply MISPLACED the eyewash.....THANK BOB that i'm not THAT
blind, huh?).....ANYway.......
Next stop.......the
YETI-HEADQUARTERS SAFEHOUSE of none other than JIMMY FREDRICKS...VOTED
the GAVIN REPORT METAL PROGRAM DIRECTOR OF 1997!!!! HERE we
were amongst our own people........this was a hotbed of ILLUMINATED
BRETHREN.....we hung out and played with TRUNKMUSCLE.....OHIO'S most
ANGRY BAND......and...of course......servants of BOB......sermons of
STELL flying from their GODLIKE TOOLS OF SOUNDSCULPTURE (kiss, kiss) we
were all drinking and laughing and plotting out our own little plans for
world domination......very SNUGGLY atmosphere......who would have KNOWN
that this peaceful gathering was just a false blanket of
solitude....draped over the HORRENDOUS EVIL that was about to WRENCH US
LIMB FROM LIMB IN THE HOURS TO COME......
Everything was fine up
until the halfway point of the gig....the NEOPHYTE SUBGENII were all
being effectively deprogrammed and SLACKNOTIZED......when like a BOLT of
lightning......the worst shit came down upon us........FIRST.......the
air seemed to be charged with a strange, sulphurous, ACRID stench from
the grave.......(and i thought it was the SMOKE MACHINE,......silly,
huh?)
THEN...it BEGAN!!!!!.
All of a sudden...during our set....the Reverend Martins seemed to
have been THROWN INTO THE AIR BY AN INVISIBLE FORCE!!! he seemed
to run AT THE STAGE....then JUMP INTO the air ONTO the stage........with
noone or nothing to break his fall........he landed DIRECTLY on his
strumming arm..........thus FRACTURING his arm.............i mean...it
almost LOOKED LIKE he just MINDLESSLY HURLED HIMSELF at the STAGE,
caring NOTHING about his well being.....or that we had more SHOWS coming
up....or that STAGES aren't made of MARSHMALLOWS...or that.....ummm....ANYway.....
His
arm......SHATTERED...hanging off by a flap of skin....bones STICKING
OUT, MANGLED....HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED......Rev Martins CONTINUED
playing......the last sonic notes NEEDED to be played in order for the
MENTAL REBOOT to take hold.......and he PULLED IT OFF!!!! (not his
arm, idiot......the GIG).......SUCCESS!!!! the last gig on this
particular mission COMPLETE!!!!! we packed up...and prepared for
the long journey home.......
just then........a
creature that I can only describe as ORCA ON LAND came WADDLING up to
the SLACKMOBILE....CONVIENIENTLY when all of us were squished in the
back....contorting into IMPOSSIBLE positions for the average
human......basically defenseless........all, except...for the REVEREND
SWAYNE........
The beast began her
hunt......
"You guys ROCKED!!!
man...i wanna FUCK ALL OF YOU!! COME ON BACK TO MY HOUSE!!!! I'LL FUCK
YOU ALL.....AND COOK YOU BREAKFAST AND DO YOUR LAUNDRY TOMORROW!!!!
FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL"!!!
We politely declined. She
continued...
"Well, i'm not
leaving without a KISS baby.....COME HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE DRUMMER
BOY"
and with that..this
BEHEMOTH woman LAUNCHED herself on the Reverend Swayne...and began
prying open his mouth with her JABBA LIKE TONGUE.......he was
helpless...we could only watch in disgust.......then...she said it
"RAWK and RAWL"...like that.....my GOD!!! an
ENGLISH ACCENT!!!!
"Stand BACK
BROTHERS...we have a SPICE GIRL IN OUR MIDST!!!" I
Screamed....
"SPICE-BITCH? WHERE?
I'LL BEAT THE 'HO DOWN!!" Rev. Swayne lept into attack mode....his
master ninja agility at it's peak.......he spun like the TASMANIAN
DEVIL........a little whirlwind of movement......changing his clothes at
LIGHTNING SPEED......he stood outside the van.....dressed in his
SUBGENII NINJA CEREMONIAL DEATH GARB......black...ninja suit with black
ninja mask.......with the glorious reverend BOB DOBBS embroidered on the
front.....a PIPE loosely dangling from a hole in the mask....TOYING with
her.....
"LET'S GET
BUSY" rev Swayne screamed.....making a blood curdling battle
cry.....like a rabid turkey...
ORCA began to
BUCK....LASH.....SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY..as her SKIN SPLIT DOWN THE
MIDDLE, tearing in HALF to reveal GINGER SPICE BENEATH.......Ginger
Spice stepped clean of the bloody, stinking human FLESH SUIT she wore as
her disguise.......her PERFECT teeth SHINING in the OHIO
STREETLIGHTS.......dead silence fell upon the scene.....(except for the
chick still "painting" the sidewalk)
Then, one by one.....the
REST of the dreaded SPICE GIRLS ASSASSINATION TEAM slithered from the
GIANT CARCASS.....SCARY, SPORTY, BABY, and POSH.....armed to the
TEETH......and ready to TAKE US DOWN......all of the REVERENDS prepared
for the CARNAGE.......
"It's all OVAH for
YEW, SLACK" prepare to feel the MIGHT of GIRL POWER!!!"
Ginger lunged at
NINJASWAYNE (tm)...passing him by and spraying her ACID HAIRSPRAY in his
eyes as she passed...blinding him.
OWWWW! BITCH!! you're
DEAD NOW!!! NINJASWAYNE let loose.......spinning into a
BEAUTIFULLY executed SLASHING BOTTLE KICK to her breast
area........slashing the enormous mounds with the razors that sprang
from his SNEAKERTIPS......Silicone dripping from the popped
breasts.......her makeup smearing......GINGER backflipped into the
deadly THIGHMASTER (tm) leg choke of DEATH......gripping NINJASWAYNE's
face between her thighs.....choking the life out of him...
"Yo, QUIT SMILING
SWAYNE, and use your secret weapon...!!" the Reverend Bailey
panickingly SCREECHED.......throwing an object into the clutching hands
of NINJASWAYNE....
The life almost drained
out of him......NINJASWAYNE...with his LAST ounce of energy....raised
EXZILDJIANBER.....the ENCHANTED CYMBAL OF KINGS.......took a DEEP
BREATH, and yelled...
"YO, BITCH.....YOU
KNOW YOUR SONG...WHEN 2 BECOME ONE? HOW ABOUT WHEN ONE BECOMES
TWO?"
In ONE SWIFT SWIPE OF THE
MIGHT EXZILDJIANBER.......NINJASWAYNE sliced Ginger SPICE IN
HALF.......THE VACCUUM OF HER SOUL COMBINING WITH THE WARM OHIO
AIR......THUS ENGULFING THE SHRIEKING, GINGER SPEWING SPECTACLE IN
FLAMES........The Reverends watched with GLEE as the last wisps of smoke
flew up into the night sky.....leaving behind a pile of GINGER smelling
ASH....and a SINGLE, SOLITARY TOOTH. A MOLAR to be exact...the ONLY part
of GINGER SPICE that wasn't cosmetically altered........
The rest of the SPICE
GIRLS were swiftly TAKEN OUT.......for once one of THEM DIES....the
YACATISMA MINDLINK control is severed.....rendering them DISORIENTED and
UNFOCUSED.....
REV. BAILEY......fighting
SCARY SPICE........used his PSIONIC TRANCE SMILE on her......lulling her
into a TRANCELIKE sexfrenzy.......the FRIZZY HEADED
MONSTROSITY.......realizing that she couldn't PENETRATE Rev. BAILEYS
force field...........straddled the nearby FIRE HYDRANT on the
corner....and FUCKED HERSELF TO DEATH.......the GIRTH of the HYDRANT
TEARING HER IN HALF.......her body lit up like a CHRISTMAS
TREE.....leaving behind a little pile of COCOA......
REV MARTINS...fighting
SPORTY SPICE.........began SPINNING AROUND her in a BLINDING TORNADO
BLUR....disorienting her........SPORTY LASHED OUT WITH HER POISON TOUNGE
PIERCING.....hoping to slash him......however.....with almost
IMPERCEPTABLE SPEED, he HOOKED her tongue piercing with his COCK RING OF
MALICE.......thus hooking her tongue.....and TEARING HER HEAD OFF FROM
THE BACKLASH......she disintegrated into a PILE of EUCALYPTUS
REV P. ROCK....fighting
BABY SPICE.........TURNED her over his KNEE....SPANKED her to
DEATH......his massive strength hemmoraging her internal
organs......blood and GUTS dripping out of her MOUTH and ASSHOLE.....he
then proceeded to DEVOUR HER WHOLE........HEAD FIRST......lingering a
while on the BOTTOM HALF......P. ROCK BELCHED.....spewing a CLOUD of
CINNAMON
REV CARMEN.....fighting
POSH SPICE.......didn't have to break a sweat......he merely showed her
a PICTURE of her ACNE RIDDEN FACE back in HIGH SCHOOL.....she
IMMEDIATELY lit up into a SHRIEKING, WRITHING piece of humanoid
CHARCOAL.....burning away into a PILE OF OREGANO......obviously digested
thru all the PIZZA she ate that contributed to her COMPLEXION....the
COMPLEXION that ultimately TOOK HER LIFE.....
The threat of a
SPICEWORLD now replaced with the promise of a SLACKWORLD....the
Reverends disappeared into the night.......leaving behind a legacy of
free-thought....and sweaty forgotten laundry.......
(sidenote...if anyone has
found the REVEREND CARMEN's:)
Felix as KISS SHIRT
PUBLIC ENEMY SHIRT
DAS DAMEN SHIRT
SEPULTURA SHIRT
please send them,
unwashed to:
George Carmen
P.O. Box 193
Franklin Park, NJ 08823
thank you...you will be
rewarded with INSTANT SLACK
and OH YEAH!!! the
FIRST person at EVERY SHOW to ask to see the
PETRIFIED SPICEMOLAR of
DEFEAT will get into the gig for FREEEEEE!!
stop.....end
transmission...........................
2/17/2000
------------ Yeah, yeah......I know......it's been almost TWO FRIGGIN
YEARS since the last infernal entry into this diary of DISEASE......the
reason for this is that the REST of the REVERENDS have been in an
EXTENDED mourning for the loss of one of their trusted and loved
brothers.....the REV. P. ROCK.....(alias, SKUNKAPE)......
Directly after the much
needed OBLITERATION of the dreaded SPICE GRRRLS YACATISMA ASSASINATION
TEAM, the Reverends FALSELY believed that their guard could be sligtly
DROPPED....i mean...after ALL...the SPICE GIRLS were our most HATED and
DANGER-DRENCHED ADVESARIES......I mean...even SATAN HIMSELF compared to
them was a mere BOOTLICKING WUSSYBOY.......as you can understand, we
weren't really concerned with having to swat a few MOSQUITOS now and
then.......I mean...the DEATH STAR had been DESTROYED, so to
speak.......so WHAT if there were a few little PUSSY DARTH VADERS
lurking around.....right? oh, so wrong.....so BOB-DAMN
WRONG!!!! MY BOB!!!! i CANNOT HANDLE the GUILT and raw
AGONY I feel over making such a TRAGIC MISTAKE......the events happened
like this:
(picture my face getting
all SHIMMERY now, going into PAST MEMORY SEQUENCE)
THE SPICE GIRLS now
VANQUISHED....the Reverends of SLACK leaned up against the SLACKMOBILE
tm, muscles taught and on FIRE......faces bloody....clothing ripped in
jagged YET VERY SEXY and SUGGESTIVE gouges........and collapsed in a
sweaty, smelly, bloody pile of HERO-FLESH.....ALL that could be heard
over the sounddrack of BURNING FLAMES and DESTRUCTION was JIMMY
FREDRICK's voice.......repeating over and over again in obvious SHOCK
"I TOLD YOU GUYS...STAY AWAY FROM THE FAT CHICK....STAY AWAY
FROM THE FAT CHICK...." Too tired to THROTTLE him for his
" I told you so" babbling.......I HELD UP the SPICEMOLAR OF
DEFEAT....and SCREAMED INTO THE HELLSTAINED NIGHT......."DO YOU SEE
NOW, YOU INTER-DIMENSIONAL SCUM BAGS? YOU CUM-DRINKING MAGGOTS? YOU
HUMPS? YOU SPINELESS......TENTACLED........BERRYLIUM ENCRUSTED
ARTHROPODS? THE TRUE POWER OF SLACK CANNOT BE VANQUISHED!!!!
OUR PURE LUCK - PLANE VORTECES CANNOT BE ALTERED BY ANY OF YOUR BAD
BLACK PHYSICS.....NONE OF YOUR TECHNO-MAGICKS STAND A CHANCE AGAINST OUR
COMBINED INFINITE EXPONENTIAL DREAM RADIUS SLACKFIELDS!!!!
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"
At that moment.....THE
SPICE MOLAR OF DEFEAT flew OUT of my CLENCHED FIST....RIGHT THRU the
back of my HAND......floated in mid air for about 15 seconds........and
projected an image of the TEMPORAL OVERLORD, the SYPHLLITIC EMPEROR of
our dreaded foe.....the MAJESTIC MASTERGOD of the YACATISMA....his face
never REVEALED to ANYONE for EONS.......and there....floating there
GRINNING SAVAGELY at us.......was the face of the mortal that this
PURELY EVIL soul inhabits in THIS REALITY....yep...you guess it......WE
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!!! none other than the PRINCE of
CONFUSION and TECHNO-SLAVERY........
BILL GATES!!!!
THE GATES OF HELL
THEMSELVES opened up before us...as the FEMINE, BAD -HAIRCUTTED
NERDDEVIL'S DEMONIC GRIN floated as HUGE as the MOON in the SKY for ALL
TO SEE.......probably large enough for EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO SEE AND
HEAR......he cackled and said:
Lowly, MORON LIFE FORMS
of the PLANET EARTH......it is USELESS TO RESIST US!!! this
RAG-TAG band of LOSERS that you have as your CHAMPIONS, the REVERENDS of
SLACK...are NO MATCH for my YACAWARRIORS.......as we SPEAK........EVERY
SPORTS BAR in EVERY TOWN in the WORLD is now FILLED with my NEW MINDLESS
TESTOSTERONE ARMY.......I have implanted a MIND CONTROL DEVICE in EVERY
picture, every PAINTING, every STANDUP CARDBOARD FACSIMILE, and EVERY
piece of MEMORABILIA relating to WAYNE GRETSKY that occupy EVERY
SPORTSBAR in the world....and AS WE SPEAK.......the EYES of every
GRETSKY IMAGE in the world are FIRING MINDWIPE BEAMS into every
BRAINLESS JOCK in EXISTENCE.........now your planet will LINE UP and
HAND OVER THEIR SOULS BY FORCE!!!!!!! Or be TORTURED, SEXUALLY ABUSED,
VERBALLY ACCOSTED...and then FORCED to LISTEN to ENDLESS SPORTS
STATISTICS....KEPT AWAKE thru CHEMICAL MEANS until DRIVEN
INSANE........FAREWELL LOSERS.......can't WAIT TO INJECT your SOULS into
my GODVEINS.......I have a 10 SOUL A DAY HABIT......you WILL GIVE ME
WHAT I WANT....or SUFFER!"
With that........the
tooth FELL TO THE GROUND......the light emanating from it slowly dying
down until it was just a TOOTH once more......except for one
thing.......I LOOKED IN HORROR as I saw that the tooth seemed to have
SOME SORT OF FOOD ITEM STUCK in the MOLAR.......I looked over at Rev. P.
ROCK...who I knew hadn't eaten in about FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES........I
SCREAMED OUT FOR HIM TO STOP....but it all happened SO QUICKLY......it
all took about 10 seconds...but it seemed like an ETERNITY......
"NO...PETE....DON'T
TOUCH IT!!!!" I screamed.......REV. BAILEY thought
FAST.......and LUNGED TOWARD THE TOOTH with LIGHTNING SPEED.........he
covered a FOOTBALL FIELD of distance in 2 SECONDS.....but it was TOO
LATE....(notice my FOOTBALL reference there.....it was true.....the
YACATISMA'S SPORTS GRIP was taking effect)......
"Hey......what's
this? Looks like an M&M (tm) is STUCK on this TOOTH....a GREEN
ONE...my FAVORITE.....hmmmmm...think I'll SUCK ON IT A WHILE"
And with THAT.....Rev P.
ROCK popped the TOOTH INTO HIS MOUTH........REV. BAILEY tackled
him.....ripping open his mouth.........but it was too late....he had
SWALLOWED IT........
The last thing I
remember...was seeing the LOOK of STUPID DISTRESS on P. ROCKS
face......as his HEAD BEGAN TO GLOW like a HALOGEN BIGFOOT JACKOLANTERN.........
"RUN FOR YOUR
LIVES!!!" Bailey yelled.......he grabbed me...and with ONE
MIGHTY JUMP......he put JUST ENOUGH DISTANCE BETWEEN US and P.
ROCK.......when P. Rock's MASSIVE, HAIRY, BIGFOOT HEAD
EXPLODED.......BRAINS and FLESH and BLOOD spraying
EVERYWHERE......SPATTERING the side of the VAN......The Rev. P Rock lay
dead.........his brainsplatter on the side of the van resembling BILL
GATES laughing head......as it dripped down the side of the
van...mocking US.......the tooth lay beside him......Suddenly.....A HUGE
BALL OF SLACK ENERGY rose from REV. P ROCKS quivering corpse.......
"ALAS!!! His
SLACKSOUL LIVES" I yelled.......I raised my arms, and
summoned my VOODOO POWERS of SOUL REAVING......DRAWING HIS SOUL towards
me.......I hungrily DEVOURED it.......thus, possessing all of his SKILLS
and MEMORIES.........( ewwwww!!! )
Rev. MARTINS......using
his TORNADO POWERS contained the tooth in a mini TORNADO
FIELD......until we could take it back to the SLACKCAVE and ANALYZE
it......
" This DENTAL-INCINDIARY
could come in HANDY for future run-in's with these MURDEROUS, JUNKY
COMSIC-TRASH, we must study the means with which they have SLAIN such a
POWERFUL member of our TEAM...."
Nothing to
say......nothing to do but bring the Rev. P Rock's CARCASS to the MUSEUM
of NATURAL HISTORY for TAXIDERMY and SUBSEQUENT DISPLAY.....(as spelled
out in his will)......the head being replaced with a CHEWBACCA mask
until the FORENSIC ARTISTS do him JUSTICE with a RECONSTRUCTED
VERSION......
"BRETHEREN....we
must NOT STOP UNTIL this TERRIBLE DEED has been PAID FOR in YACATIMA
SKULLS!!!!.....by the MIGHTY EDGE of EXZILJIANBER....you will be
AVENGED" cried out the Rev. SWAYNE......his CLOAKED face
BRISTLING with RAGE......his EYES GLOWING RED......
"Yeah, let's CHOKE 'em......ETERNAL
SLEEPTIME, MUTHA" replied the Rev. Bailey
"My lovely OAF...you
will have JUSTICE......." I replied
"Are you sure you
have his powers now?" asked Rev. Martins.....
I was VERY
hungry........I felt PARANOID.......I couldn't THINK straight.......and
I knew all I needed to KNOW all of a sudden about the AKAI 2000
SAMPLER......yes......his powers of SLACKFIELD WEAVING had been passed
on.......
"Yes,
brother.......I have assimilated him......shall we continue our journey?
"
"PRAISE BOB"
they all called out.....
We piled into the
SLACKMOBILE....exhausted....tired...confused......but MORE BOUND TO OUR
QUEST THAN EVER.......
The YACATISMA must
die.......
We started out...setting
our course for the first SPORTSBAR we saw........
(THIS PAGE WILL BE
ADDED TO AS INSANITY PRESENTS ITSELF)
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